Cattle Guns, Demon Barbers, and Stuntmen or The 2007 Film Wrap-up

My never-ending parade of extraneous bullshit continues! Today I’m looking back fondly at the year in movies 2007. So hang around, there will be a list! And awards! Hooray!

The Emo Goth Hot Topic Frequent Shopper Award for Best Dark and Moody Musical

And the winner is…

Sweeney Todd! Yes, Tim Burton’s big screen adaptation of the classic Sondheim musical is definitely dark and gothic enough to have every 15 year old clad in all black drenching their Johnny Depp dolls and Skinny Puppy CDs in bodily fluids. Despite appealing to that smelly lot, Sweeney Todd is actually quite enjoyable, even if it does feel like Depp tries to steal every scene for himself (something he has always been guilty of doing). Plenty of catchy songs, buckets of blood, and a humorous turn by Sascha Baron Cohen that isn’t stupid fucking Borat. Good stuff.

The Holy Fuck a Silenced Shotgun and Also WTF This Ending Sucks Because It Didn’t Spoonfeed Me a Contrived Resolution Award

And the Winner is…

No Country for Old Men. Nuanced and contemplative, this film is a real stunner from beginning to end. Javier Bardem, Josh Brolin, and Tommy Lee Jones all give performances worthy of award consideration. Anyone bitching about the ending should stick to watching brainless trash like Spiderman 3.

The Zoe Bell Award for Overt Cuteness and General Badassery

And the Winner is…

Zoe Bell! I love this woman. Forget about Kurt Russell’s hilarious and awesomely done job in Death Proof, it’s all about Zoe the Cat. The sexy New Zealand stunt woman stole my heart from the moment she stepped on the screen. Oh, and Death Proof is a pretty fucking great movie by the way.

The Homoerotic Epic Battle in Slow Motion Featuring Muscular Men in Panties (also, This is Madness) Award

And the Winner is…

300! This 100% accurate historical adaptation of the battle at Thermopylae taught us all one thing– history is gay. Like really gay. Everyone parades around wearing next-to-nothing with ripped abs, posing and shouting a lot. It’s sorta like a gay bath house. Better yet, the antagonist is an 8 feet tall bondage rapist named Xerxes. Another thing about history? It all occurred in slow motion. You know, with as slow as time moved back then, it’s amazing that life expectancies were so low. My friend and I pretty much laughed through this entire film. It’s one of the top comedies of 2007!

The Why the Fuck Did I Just See Viggo Mortensen’s Cock Like Fifty Times Award

And the winner is…

Eastern Promises! Cronenberg’s study of the Russian mafia in England is rife with his usual explorations of the nature of violence, but it’s also rife with something else– Viggo Mortensen’s flaccid dick. Viggo is completely naked for one of the most visceral fight scenes I have ever witnessed in a film. He seriously fucks two dudes up with his dick flopping all over the place. That somehow makes the scene even more amazing.

The Michael Bay Award for Outstanding Achievement in Awful Film Making (or the Worst Film of 2007)

And the winner is…

Michael Bay’s Transformers! I’m a known Bay hater, but this film just reaches all new levels of atrociousness. I certainly didn’t expect quality when I went to see a film based on a cartoon whose sole purpose was to sell toys to retarded children in the 80s, but COME ON– this movie is totally offensive in nearly every way. This movie is terrible even by Michael Bay standards. Transformers is full of paper-thin, cliche-ridden characters, terrible CGI, shitty shakey cam shots that make it fucking impossible to tell what the fuck is going on, and a plot that makes Independance Day look like fucking Citizen Kane. I was even drunk when I went to see this and I STILL couldn’t enjoy it. That’s just sad.

And without further adieu, my five favorite films of 2007!

5. Sweeney Todd
4. Hot Fuzz
3. Eastern Promises
2. Death Proof
1. No Country For Old Men

I hope you have enjoyed this feature as much as I enjoy shitting on Michael Bay.


~ by theoberlander on January 3, 2008.

One Response to “Cattle Guns, Demon Barbers, and Stuntmen or The 2007 Film Wrap-up”

  1. this makes me lol so hard

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