PREPARE FOR GLORY (or not)

I, like everyone else in America, recently fell victim to the 300 trap. Sure the movie looked ridiculous, but I just couldn’t stay away. It might have something to do with my ticket being free, and the film being a good excuse to leave work for 2 hours. Anyways, 300 is an action epic about 300 Spartans in panties engaging in glorious combat against the Persian Empire in one of the most homoerotic battles ever depicted in film. Seriously, this film has more half-naked dudes than WWE’s Monday Night Raw. And it has ten times the testosterone.

It’s a very manly affair indeed. Heads get chopped, limbs get severed, women get sexed. Manly as fuck. In between all of the carnage, there is a story about patriotism and all of that nonsense, but quite honestly the only thing I took away from this film is that it had some nice long shots rife with Persian blood-letting. If only they weren’t plagued with more slowdown than a 1991 Super Nintendo title.

This film completely abuses slow motion effects. 300 has so much slow motion it would make Peter Jackson blush. Horses riding over a mountain take minutes to develop. A worthless sex scene between Leonidas and his wife drags on in slow motion– although we do get to see titties. In a film with this many bulges, I’ll take all the titties I can get. Seriously Zack Snyder, not everything needs to be in slow motion. Last time I checked, Sparta was not underwater.  Speed that shit up once in awhile dude, the audience will not get lost. And if they do– fuck em.

All in all, 300 was a total throwaway film. It has bouts of great action bogged down by plodding Spartan political nonsense and rousing speeches delivered with hilariously bad acting.  Comic book geeks will probably ruin their pants with glee upon watching 300, but I am not one of those guys. 300 takes itself far too seriously to be considered a good exploitation film, and yet it’s far too cheesy to be considered a good action epic. It is what it is– another dumb comic adaptation in a seemingly neverending stream of dumb comic adaptations.

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~ by theoberlander on March 12, 2007.

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